and no one trusted naruto ever again
by Alive In Wonderland
Summary: Hey. Watch this. It's legendary. — Sasuke/Kiba.


**disclaimer**: disclaimed.  
**dedication**: to  
**notes**: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

**title**: and no one trusted naruto ever again  
**summary**: Hey. Watch this. It's legendary. — Sasuke/Kiba.

—

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Sasuke's room had _seen some shit_.

This was not a joke, okay, these walls had seen some weird fucking days. Yeah, sure, the place was their safe place; their Batcave, so to speak, in that it was the one place they could totally be themselves. It was where they drank and smoked and played way too many video-games—it was _home_.

But that didn't meant that it hadn't seen its fair share of things that really just shouldn't exist._  
_

"Dude, we gotta do something different. I'm startin' to kill zombies in my _dreams_," Kiba said.

"Don't care," Sasuke muttered, and went back to stabbing furiously at the controller.

_This moron is going to be the death of me_, Kiba thought wearily. They'd been on a thee-day zombie-killing-binge where they'd done nothing except eat, piss, and... kill zombies. So many zombies. "No, seriously, man," he said, "we gotta stop. No more zombies, bro."

Sasuke made a _tch_-ing sound at the back of his throat. "You're so fucking weak. What do you want to do?"

"I dunno. Watch something brainless?"

The look Kiba got was of phenomenal douchery and complete and utter disbelief.

"Yeah, yeah, fuck you, too," Kiba said, flapping a hand in his general direction. "Naruto's always leaving his shitty movies here. Pick one of 'em."

"What the fuck, you pick one, you're the one being an idiot."

"Jesus, you fuckin—" Kiba _growled_, low and annoyed, and heaved himself up. There was a stack of DVDs and blu-ray disks piled by the TV, and Kiba tipped it over. They scattered everywhere, and he took a minute to sort through them. Sasuke ignored him entirely, too concentrated on the screen to pay anything like proper attention. "—what the hell is this?"

Silence, save for the slick _squelch_ of bullet through zombie brain.

"Oi, dickweed! Pay attention. What the hell is this?" Kiba asked.

"What's what?"

Kiba held up an unmarked DVD case. "Unlabelled disk. Looks like one of his weird pornos. Should I call him?"

"I'll do it," Sasuke muttered, and paused the game to whip his phone out of his pocket.

There was a moment, here, where Kiba had a sudden urge to make a really terrible joke about Sasuke calling his lady-love. Because it would be funny, and it would work him up, and yeah, it was totally shitty, but so what?

He contemplated this for a second, thought about the consequences.

And went for it anyway.

"Call your boyfriend," Kiba said sagely, clambered up onto Sasuke's bed and stretched out with his arms behind his head. "I'll wait."

"...What?"

"Nothing, dear," Kiba smiled benignly.

"I'm going to kick your ass," Sasuke said perfunctorily. He was already dialing.

One day, Kiba was going to learn to keep his mouth shut.

Today was not that day.

"Shut up, short-shit, you say that three times a day and never actually get around to _doing_ it," he snickered. The look he got in reply was totally worth it, Sasuke's face twisting into something furious and biting and kind of hot.

So they were going to fight, then make out, and then watch a movie.

Just another ordinary day.

Kiba grinned widely at him. "I fucking _dare_ you."

Sasuke knew how this worked. He knew Kiba liked to say stupid shit just to get him annoyed, watch him get furious because he had a weird fetish for it. He knew he could be above it, ignore the idiot because watching him not get what he wanted would be worth it. Really, Sasuke knew how to be the better person.

It wasn't worth it though.

So he ended the call before Naruto could even pick up and threw his phone to the shitty, beat up futon on the floor. He watched the way Kiba eyed him, that disgusting grin stretching his lips more to one side than the other, like a cheap rendition of a smirk.

It started off with Sasuke throwing a pillow at him which Kiba grabbed without trouble. And then it escalated until they were punching and kicking and shoving and headlocking each other. It was a daily thing; it didn't matter at what time or where, it always ended up with Kiba riling Sasuke up until they were getting physical and someone ended up bleeding.

Kiba was way bigger than Sasuke; while Kiba was bulky and tall, Sasuke was lean and average sized yet there Sasuke was... Pinning him down with his hands wrapped around his wrists and his knees on either side of Kiba's legs. It was a really hideous pose but there they were.

Sasuke sneered at him because he knew that at any second, the douche could just throw him aside and probably knock him out for a good two minutes. But Kiba didn't; instead, what he did do was just grin at him.

That fucking annoying grin.

"Wipe that smile off your fucking face," Sasuke hissed into Kiba's ear, a smirk forming on his lips. He purposefully dragged his lips down his jaw before pulling away so he could look down at him with his smug expression.

And with that, he rolled off, fixing his shirt and running a hand through his hair as he walked to the futon and picked his cellphone back up.

"Idiot," he said in greeting when Naruto answered. "What the fuck shitty movie is this blank disk you left in my room?"

"_I don't even know what you're talking about._"

Sasuke rolled his eyes, a hand stuffed in his back pocket as he observed the mess his room was. "Don't be a moron. There's a blank disk; it's unlabeled and its yours. What is it?"

Naruto was quiet on the other line and Sasuke grimaced as he heard the idiot chew whatever it was he was eating. Most probably ramen. Goddamn fucking pig.

"_OH. Okay, I remember. Watch that shit. It's legendary as hell."_

Without another word, Sasuke hung up and threw the phone to some corner of his room.

"I am not buying you another phone if you break that one," Kiba said mildly.

"...Since when have you bought me a phone?"

"The last three of them, you piece of shit."

(And there was a story there, about Naruto and Naruto's penchant for breaking Sasuke's phones—those last three having been dropped into coffee, a campfire's ashes, and Suigetsu's pool—but that wasn't the main story. The main story was Kiba having to buy Sasuke replacement phones because _Sasuke was a fucking loser nerd who couldn't do anything for himself_. It was _a_ story, though, so it counted.)

"...I'm not having this conversation with you."

"Want me to call Naruto back and ask him to take your phone for a ride? I could." Kiba yawned.

"Listen, stop being a little prissy shit and come here. We're watching this stupid movie Naruto left behind."

"Yeah, that's what I _thought_."

"I really dislike you right now."

"Yeah, but you like my dick."

"Heh."

Sasuke's grin was so shit-eating that Kiba figured nothing good could come of it. But for now, he really couldn't say anything. _Except_:

"That's not a denial, Sasuke-_chan_."

"Don't _call_ me that."

Damn the day his mother decided it was fine to call him her petnames in front of his friends. Worse of all, in front of Kiba. Glaring and feeling the back of his neck burn, he inserted the disc into his DVD player.

"He paused for a second, turning to look over at Kiba and his annoying grin.

"It's not denial," he drawled, lifting the sleeves of the shirt under his shirt. "It's the fact that I know it's the other way around that makes it not worth even correcting you."

Kiba's grin only proceeded to get wider and shittier as Sasuke approached the bed, slipping on and pressing the play button.

"Awwww, Sasuke-chan!"

And the gorilla literally flopped on top of him. It took a lot to not wheeze and make it obvious that the fatass was crushing him. Sasuke tried to shove him off but, nope, Kiba's bulky muscle mass were too heavy and he was probably putting his body on dead weight just for the fuck of it.

"Geroff me, gorilla."

Instead, he felt Kiba's weight all the more.

Grunting and feeling the need to kick his ass, he simply glared and stared at the screen.

Kiba proceeded to drape himself all over Sasuke like some diseased limpet.

Awful, really.

"Shit, you gonna turn that thing on?"

"It's playing, you fucking mammoth."

There was no questioning Sasuke's strange insults, sometimes. Kiba jabbed an elbow in his stomach, satisfied at the tiny pained _oomph_ that escaped him, and turned his attention back to the TV.

"So what happ—hold on, what the shit."

The screen glowed white, and that was beginning. It was an anime, goddamn Naruto and his shitty animes, but it didn't look like much. There was a thin blonde naked chick who might have been all of twelve—why was it always blonde naked chicks with Naruto, there was seriously something wrong with that dude—and she was playing in the ocean. There was a creepy dude watching her.

This did not bode well.

There was something off about this whole situation. Naruto normally didn't let anyone touch his animes. But—well—

Kiba jabbed Sasuke with his elbow again, just for good measure.

(Just in case.)

"Would you stop touching me?"

Kiba didn't even dignify that with a reply. He simply got even more comfortable in his process of squishing him and then turned to the screen.

They were both really quiet as they watched as it all unraveled, this weird twelve year old girl and the freaky man watching her.

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.

.

"That child is naked."

"Heh, none for you."

"Who the fuck names their kid Pico?"

"That's a kid—that's a kid!"

"But why is that twelve year old working. They should be in school."

"I think it's supposed to be summer?"

"That's fucking stupid—look, that's the same weirdo that was watching her."

"Why is he hitting on a twelve-year-old."

"Wh-why the fuck is he taking her out, she's twelve."

"Why are they holding hands?!"

"That looks so wrong."

"Why are you blushing, that's a child-oh my god, are you sniffing her? And then you kissed her neck... That's weird."

"Who eats ice cream like that?"

"...I do."

"This is fucking weird."

"What the fuck."

"It's like a blow job without penises."

"What the fuck."

"O...kay... That's still a child, you know that right ?"

"Wh—"

"WHAT'S GOING ON?!"

"..."

"I... I don't know how I feel about this."

"What the fuck."

"Wait what—THAT'S A PENIS."

"Yooooooooooooooo."

"THAT'S A CHILD. YOU'RE TOUCHING A CHILD."

"His dick is so small, why's he doing that, what the fuck."

"...Is that ice cream...?"

"Oh god I hope its ice cream."

"...That's not ice cream..."

"That's clearly not his first blow job, just saying."

"I..."

"Yep, definitely not his first blow job."

"Ohhhhhhhh."

"Ohhhhhhhh."

"There's definitely gonna be anal—that... That just happened."

"Oh god, its on the roof."

"That's not gonna come out..."

"I think I want to fucking throw up."

"Punish?! PUNISH?!"

"Of course its raining."

"'You always do it when we're in the car'?!"

"Yooooooooooooooo."

"And now he's dressing him like a little girl. That's fucked up."

"Why is this happening?"

"I don't know."

"We're going to hell."

"I don't wanna watch this anymore."

"What kind of underwear are those?"

"He's... Wearing tighty-whiteys."

"And... Now more blowjobs."

"What the fuck."

"How does he know how to give blow jobs."

"Why are his blow jobs better than the other one?"

"He's a child—HE'S A CHILD."

"This is just... really gross..."

"Ohhh. Here comes the anal."

"Please don't say that."

"I was so right. Here comes the anal."

"I don't want to have sex anymore."

"This could put anyone off sex."

"What the fuck is an ochinchin?"

"It means penis, bro."

"Ewwww."

"Ewwww."

"I don't understand, why's he cutting his hair?"

"Good question."

"What the fuck."

"They're gonna bang in the moonlight. Why's this happening to me?"

"I..."

"Why are his bangs already coming back?"

"This kid likes to be naked."

"That's still a child—oh wow what is happening?"

"Sixty-nine, motherfucker."

"Dude really likes eating ass."

"What the fuck."

"Why is this happening to me?"

"What the fuck."

"What the fuck."

"And they shoot cum by moonlight."

"I really want to throw up right now."

"Where the fuck did his hair come from?"

"I don't ever want to go through this again."

"I'm... Yoooooo."

"I'm not going to heaven."

"I just..."

"I'm not going to heaven."

"I'm going to kill Naruto."

* * *

**to: pathetic no-life**  
**from: tomato soup  
**_you're dead._

**to: tomato soup**  
**from: pathetic no-life  
**_YOU SO WATCHED IT OHHHHHHH YEEEEAAAAAAH_

**to: pathetic no-life  
from: tomato soup  
**_YOU ARE SO DEAD_

* * *

AND THAT WAS THE END OF SASUKE'S SEX LIFE AS ANYONE KNEW IT

MORAL OF THE STORY:  
**DON'T FUCKING TRUST NARUTO**

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_FIN_.

**notes2**: we're still laughing


End file.
